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| Why do I have to grow up? I want to stay a kid. I am not saying that I dont want to have maturity or act my age; it's the whole concept of being expecrted to or having it forced down my throat in a way that no spoonful of sugar can help. Being only 21 years old I already detest te thought of having kids. I used to want to have them or at least adopt, but now I can honestly say that I would rather live in the Sahara than procreate. I wish people would stop telling me me that when I become a mother my opinion will change. There is just one problem with that statement, why is it that it is assumed that every female will have children. I know all about the instinctive needs of humans to reproduce, I was a psych major... Why dont people say "if you have kids..."? Instead it is some social pressure that I am supposed to get knocked up and have a child. Why can't people accept the fact that maybe i dont want to have kids or that maybe I am not supposed to have kids? I dont mind babysitting or volunteering when it comes to kids, but the thought of having to put my life on hold indefinately to take care of something doesnt appeal to me. I know there are gonna be readers who are parents saying that I am cynical or a bitch for insulting their parenthood, but that is not what I am doing. If you want to have kids, than have them, but dont disrespect me or think less of me just because i dont want to. It is a given that once you have a child, you are limited on "you" time. Being a parent is a tough job that requires alot of strength and I give immense applause to those that are. I have so much that I want to do with my life that children would hinder that. I dont want to look at my child and think "if only..." That is not fair to the child. I know this sounds selfish, but that is ow I feel about it. I dont want to have the maturity or responsibility that is required to have a child. I can barely take care of myself let alone another human being. No, I am not a hazard to children everywhere; I am still trying to find out who I am, let alone guide a baby through this world. All that I want on my plate right now is to get a job, save money, pay some bills, and get my license, which, GASP!!, I do not have... That's another thing that bugs me, why is it a faux paux for me not to have my license? Yes, I do have to bum a ride if I want to go somewhere, but I dont spend all of my money on gas. I have learned how to make one trip to buy all that I need. For example, when I was at MC, if someone else was going to the mall, I would go and buy what i needed. If someone wasnt going, oh well!1 I still had money in my pocket when everyone else, had to bum money to get to town... I do want to get my license because that fits into a plan of action (see mom, i do follow your example...) which i have set for myself. If I ever want to pick up and move, I am going to need my own way of getting there. My ex was willing to leave me stranded in Cherokee with no home and no way of getting anywhere; I learned my lesson. Not sure when I will get a car, but at least I will have that little laminated piece of security. | | |
| I have been involved in several relationships, some serious, others just for fun; yet, I do not believe that I have fallen in love. I know that I have come close, but it never has gone beyond that. What is love? So many people think that you can turn on the TV or watch a movie to find the answer aas to what love is, or what it should be like. Love is not scripted or is something that can be planned out. I think that love varies from person to person, couple to couple, etc. Some may have that chik flik romance like Fever Pitch or You've Got Mail, but not everyone is destined to have that happily ever after. For others, it is only temporary, or everlasting, or reoccurring, or once in a blue moon, or whatever; the list is endless. I wonder what love will be like for me, if it does happen. All I have figured out so far, and these are only vague glimpses into what love actually is, based upon my own experiences and observations. This what I want... Love is two souls becoming one with each part still retaining its own sense of self. Love requires making sacrifices of the mind and spirit and self but what you can receive in return makes it so worthwhile. Sacrifices become compromises where you accommodate your partner and vise-versa. I do believe that "love" itself is abused by so many that it has lost alot of its meaning. We use such a sacred (by this I dont mean religious, just precious) emotion to describe common everyday things like fries or ice cream. People also perverse the word by saying "I love you" when they should be saying "I lust you". Sex does not mean love; it can be a part of love, but that is not what love should be. It is worth more than a one night's stand. This is not saying that I do not believe in love at first sight. I do believe that several have found their 'perfect match' overe the course of a party or dinner or first date; most however confuse love with attraction and flirtation. One should not jump blindly into love, nor should they adhere to it with strict rules and practices. I know that I have in my relationships expected love to just happen like magic. I contorted it into a show of sleight-of-hand. Love is magical, but it is not magic. There are no set rules of engagement, no rulebook, no outline of existence. Love just is ... (cant think of how to put this) Thats it, Love just is!!!! It is undefinable by a generic defintion; it is not marked by a particular experience or feeling. Love is un-containable; it does not fit in a box nor does it need to be caged. Love is freedom.Love should be free. | | |
| Why are people so afraid of different? Why cant people get over themselves and their fears to accept the fact that is is okay to have diffreent opinions, beliefs, desires, etc. I had an epiphany last night about my previous relationships... every guy that I have dated has gotten scared becuase I was different. There were other factors involved with the breakups but I believe that this point was crucial in the fallout. The clue that gave this away is who the guy dated before me and who he dated after me. With very few exceptions, the previous girlfriend had been short tiny bubbly ditzy girls (note: not being stereotypical, just telling the truth from what I saw and from what I was told...) These girls were everything I am not, they enjoyed being told what to do, dressed cute to get attention, put up a facade of what they knew their boy wanted to see and hear. The next girl in line after me was the same as the previous, in some cases, it was the same girl.. When i had started dateing these guys, I was told that they wanted me because I was different than other girls, for example, I can play xbox for hours and I am pretty damn good at it... Then things changed and they wanted me to start behaving like someone I am not, a girly girl who wants to support her man without having a life of her own. A breakup would follow and within a very short time they went back to the same girl, either the exact same, or a carbon copy. i will not be a carbon copy, yes I might be like others but it is by my choice to do what I want. I do things because I want to, not because it is the "in" thing to do. Are these others girls the smart ones for giving men exactly what they want, some superficial, Cosmo barbie doll clone? Or am I the smart one for being who I am without sacrificing my heart and soul to fit someone else's standard? Yeah, chances are I will probably be aan old spinster who lives alone in a big house with only rats or goats to keep me company, and yes I might very well be miserable being alone, but a least I will still have my pride for not selling out to school, or marriage, or a family, or a career... There is nothing wrong with any of these and kudos to those who do have them, but life should be subjective not objective!!! I should be able to do what I want without taking crap for it; so should you. If life's a stage and we are merely players, then I say fuck the director and the scriptwriter. Life is not a script, it is not a play, we are in control of our destinies and our actions. Yes there is fate out there pushing us towards certain points, but beyond that it is up to us to be ourselves. Life is not a play, it is performance art. Sometimes your on stage, sometimes you have box seats; just remember that we all have our time on stage and how we perform is up to us. everyone is an actor, a fan, a groupie, an artist, a mime, a crew member, a juggler, whatever you want to be...Only until you live your life fully can you find true happiness, even if it comes hand in hand with misery and suffering. | | |
| I cant believe that it has been a year since I visited this site. So much has happened to me that it would take days to talk about it all. I deleted my old account to start anew, because that has been my life's goal the past year, to start over. To give ya'll a more indepth view of me, the following are blogs from my myspace account... | | |
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